Vicious Cycle or Going in Circles?

Dear Eve,

I would like to ask you a question about my financial situation. Specifically, I need to change the way I make a living. I am a medical social worker at a hospital, but never really planned to do this for a living. Many years ago I started working at County Mental Health clinics and then hospitals in order to make a living while working toward getting licensed as a psychotherapist. I wasn't able to get credit for my work hours and became discouraged about getting licensed. Also, managed care came about and that reduced the payments to therapists for psychotherapy. I began then to return to my earlier love which was music. I started slowly to develop a music/voice student practice which was very part-time. I have taught students off and on now for 6 years.

My student numbers fluctuate wildly and unless I pay a lot for printed display ads (which take most of my earnings from students) I really don't have enough students to pay the bills. I've been juggling both my hospital job and students part-time for awhile now and I need a change. I am so burnt out at the hospital but don't know how I can make a living to pay the bills if I were to quit. I keep looking for another less stressful part-time job that will pay the bills, but haven't found one in 4 years.

Can you see a way I can change this seemingly stuck scenario? It feels like a vicious cycle. I keep hoping my student numbers will grow to the point that I can keep cutting back on my hospital job, and sometimes it gets close, but it just doesn't happen.

I am also doing an internship to gather hours for licensure to get my MFT. I would like to do dream groups and dream work with couples as well as therapeutic voice work. Somehow it seems like I need my MFT license to create these things and to demand enough money to pay my bills. I really only need $4K /month to survive but would love to build a business that creates wealth. I am a former business owner and love the entrepreneur lifestyle. I lost everything when my partner left me with all the bills. Anyway...pls let me know if you see the way through this situation.


Tristique

Dear Tristique,

Darling, I do so wish I could wave my magic wand over your head and POOF all this big knot of ensnarled confusion could go away.

Strange that you have chosen this name Tristique for your pen name so to speak because Triste in French means sad. And that is the first feeling that I pick up from your letter, a sadness or a grief at not following your hearts desire.

I see your dilemma as being more about your approach than that of there being a blocked road. It is not your financial situation that is the REAL thing holding you back but it's your thoughts about your financial situation and your fears that hold you back and make a snarl of things.

If you have an issue about the past betrayal of being left with the bills you need to address that, clean up that situation and finish with it, even if it means never recovering any money. You are still using that experience as a punishment and self judgment. It is still costing you energy. Is it an excuse or is it an unresolved pain that needs to be healed? Is there some communication you need to give to this person? In person, by letter or? What do you need to do to quit giving the past your energy or using it as a reason not to be fearless. You do not have to be the victim of past experiences unless holding on to the experience or being a victim of it has a payoff for you. What is the payoff of continuing to be a victim of it or being in judgement? Could one payoff be that you don't have to take the steps that scare you?

OK, so about the piece of paper you feel you need. Get it. If this is what proves to you your value, get the paper. But realize that if you do not see your value now, you will not own your value later, even if you do have the piece of paper. Only, you will be more equipped to furnish a facade that you feel you must hold up to the world. I think you should give yourself a deadline to get that paper, and beyond that no more, do not spend more time on it.

I also suggest you see a financial adviser. Even people who have no money should learn about finance from an expert so they can learn how to use money in the best service to their dreams when it comes to them. Make a plan to have more money.

Figure out your goals, what you truly want to do and hire someone,--they are worth the money--to see what are the practical steps to do what you want. That includes putting money aside for any old unfinished business, old bills, get those out of the way, quit spending your energy on those old worries, instead make a plan that deals with them. You are spending so much energy on worry and guilt and confusion, you need to allow yourself to bring your messy self to someone who has the proper perspective to help your organize your future. Interview your financial adviser or coach to make sure they are aligned with your goals. This is a tool that must work for you, not a person who will make you feel inadequate or guilty. You say you have the entrepreneur spirit. A great entrepreneur has a vision of what they want and then they hire people who are better than them at certain things to take care of the things they are not so good at, all in the service of their vision. If you believe in your vision, you must take good care of it and get out of the way sometimes, and be willing to take in good advice and act on it.

When I look at your spirit, I keep seeing the symbol of a butterfly. There is a transformation that is begging to take place within you. You also want to shed the last old beliefs that say you can't do it, and that you are not good enough to have your dreams.

I see that you want to combine the counseling part of you with the healing music, and other things to create wonderful multi-layered learning and healing experiences. I don't see that anything you are presently doing in your life is fully your hearts desire. But these things have helped you develop and learn what you truly want to do.

Don't you know that teachers learn, as they are teaching, what they are supposed to be teaching? Some say that you are just the vehicle that the teaching is coming through in that moment, and the students are your teachers too. All you need is the desire to learn, the vision of what you want and the agreement with the group of students for some wonderful things to transpire, that will aid you in your transformation. In short, what is needed is all kinds of communication--with yourself, and your guides, and your connection or the divine, and with people. You have been creating a bit in isolation. Must you slog through it alone? NO!

When you are more aligned with your hearts desire, yourself, you will not need to place so many ads.

I would say that your first step is refining your vision. Journaling, drawing, meditating--whatever is your way of getting it clear.
Next step, look at where your energy is being drained create a plan to put an end to the things that you waste energy on, past, present, future.
Next, get financial advise to help you draw out a plan of what you need to accomplish your dreams or create your vision, end old karma or cycles. Do not be conservative.

Use the power of the Hawk to fly over your life and get perspective. You have been stuck on the ground too long darling, you need to move that body and start shedding layers.

My goodness, this column is getting much too long. I can't condense everything into this little space! Dear, if you need permission from a wise woman or two or a mentor or two or three, find those.

Visualize that you have all the power of the women who have found their way out of hardship to follow their dreams standing behind you and decide that you will find a way, step by step.

You are about to break through the classic female programming of taking care of other people before following your dreams. First, you must take better care of yourself and your dreams, step by step, day by day. I really feel that you are divided about your goals and are not fully committed to them yet. Why? This is a good question to ask yourself. One reason is that you keep looking for a solution in your mind. All creation starts with spirit and energy, so you must engage your real creativity, your spirit.

The vision has to come first. And then you must call on the brave heart within you to make it manifest. I could blab on for a lot more but my dear, but this is supposed to be a little column, not a full reading.

Best of luck to you dear, remember the universe will respond when you stand up to claim your dream.

love, Eve, a fellow entrepreneur.